Whither Canada?

I can’t believe I got sucked in again.

I thought I was being so careful. I’d double check everything, make sure we were on the same page, try my best to talk about stuff to make him understand how I feel, but he still managed to lie and manipulate me and I wish I were strong enough to just cut him off completely.

I’m torn.

Look. I love him. If we aren’t going to be together and he’s not going to treat me properly then I want to get away and have zero contact.

But he wants to hold me in limbo until either he decides he wants me as more than a friend, but if he never decides then I’ll just be stuck there not moving on from this relationship and being constantly in pain.

I have cried more over this boy than over anything in my life ever. My grandpa’s death was easier than this, and I loved my grandpa so bloody much and miss him.

Idk maybe that’s because not only have I lost the Kyle that I used to have, but the new Kyle is hurting me and manipulating me and yet manages to keep me loving him so I can’t escape.

I can’t just be friends. I don’t know how to see him as just a friend.

And anyway, I don’t have time for him as just a friend. My life is here at Avondale. There is only one person worth seeing outside Cooranbong and that’s Alyssa. Aside from that I’m perfectly content to cut off contact with everyone in the Newcastle area and focus on this course and my college friends and work and moving to Sydney next year.

I could make time for him if it were a really important relationship to me, but he doesn’t contribute and he doesn’t put in as much effort as I require in a friend, so I honestly cannot waste time on him.

Fjkad ;flkaj sdl;kaj xfaldj II Jg;u hg I can’t explain this!!!!!!!!!!! I know what I mean, but I can’t explain it in a way that doesn’t make me sound like a douche.

I just don’t have time for another difficult friendship. Spending time with him, being his friend, requires a lot of effort (for very little return) and I’m not sure I’m willing to invest in him. If he would stop being a dick and spend a little more time and effort on me then I’d be happy to return the favour. And if he’d spend more time and effort then a romantic relationship would work.

If only we lived closer. If only we went to the same uni. If only we shared a common interest. If only he didn’t work so much. If only my timetable would stay the same from week to week. If only he hadn’t lost his bloody licence. If only.

Look the biggest issue is that he only makes the effort when we’re face to face. And we only see each other once a week at best. So that’s once a week that he’s supportive and kind and caring and funny and adorable. But for the rest of the week he doesn’t have time for me and doesn’t say nice stuff to make me happy and doesn’t make an effort. If we saw each other more everything would be fine. But he can’t make the time.

I need to give up.

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nannajane:

in 7 years its going to be the 20s again so we can bring back swing music and the aesthetics of that era but keep modern values who’s with me

(via overfloing)